I took a course last semester that really focused on the importance of creating
digital citizens, kids who are responsible and kind and who use technology for
the greater good! It seemed like such common sense to me, and like something
that would be really easy to integrate into my districts’ 4 tribes agreements: mutual
respect, attentive listening, right to pass, and appreciations/no put downs.
How easy it would be to transfer these 4 agreements online!
Well, a strange medical issue led me to a forum where women could post questions and express their feelings about the issue. I had “lurked” on the forum for years, and knew a lot about the community. They were harsh posters, and extremely hyper-sensitive. But, being desperate for an outlet, I decided to post anyway. Knowing my audience, I tailored my first post on the forum carefully, walking on eggshells to not upset anyone. I simply expressed my anger about the condition and the frustration I was feeling. I was looking to connect with others who had experienced what I had been through and who could relate, I was looking for company.
The first few responses were understanding, compassionate, and inquisitive. And then SHE spoke up. “Uh, I’m kind of offended by how you phrased that,” she wrote. She was referring my feelings of anger about the condition. Of course my intentions were not to offend anyone, so I apologized for making her feel that way, but said that everyone has a different coping mechanism and that mine, at that time, was anger. Well, the flood gates opened. How dare I come onto THEIR forum and make such offensive comments! I was mocked for my comment about coping mechanisms, and one user even said, “oh, denial and stupidity must be a coping mechanism too.” I was heated. My pulse was racing. I couldn’t believe what was unfolding! I had been so careful! I explained my feelings and I apologized for unintentional offensives and was kind in my replies even though I didn’t want to be! Here I am, an educator, working on my master’s degree, being mocked and ridiculed by stay at home moms with nothing better to do. It was both addicting and embarrassing; the back and forth dialogue of their accusations and my defenses.
Eventually I logged off of the forum and vowed to never return. But, the interaction stayed in my head for days. How immature I was to care what a bunch of bullies said over the internet! How ridiculous I was to let it bother me!
But it did bother me.
Not because I cared what they thought, but because I had let keystrokes on a screen affect me. I had apologized for my FEELINGS. I can’t control how I feel! I was angered that I spent much of my time working with kids about not being a cyber bully, and had completely neglected to talk about what to do when you’re the victim. How do you let those words on a screen go? How do you remove yourself from an otherwise addicting debate? How do let it NOT affect you?
I was angry at how uneducated the other posters were on kindness and general politeness, even for people in their mid twenties and thirties. Was this a generational gap of people who were never taught about online courtesy?
The whole interaction, though embarrassing, really made me think about how important it is that we teach kids what to do as victims in an online bullying situation. I needed to contact the administrator for the website. The people being so unkind (though they had freedom of speech) needed to be stopped. The culture of the vicious forum needed to be changed to not award posters for their “honesty” (a contest that turned into brutal and unbridled honesty at the expense of others) and to award them instead for their kindness. It was supposed to be a place for people to discuss the issue in peace and comfort, not a place to be ridiculed. If contacting administrators doesn’t work, well, we need to teach kids to CLOSE the browser and walk away. Find another forum that has a nicer culture. Talk to a friend face to face instead!
Online bullying is a big issue that everyone needs to be educated in whether its’ the bully, or the victim, a college student, a grandmother, or a child.
Well, a strange medical issue led me to a forum where women could post questions and express their feelings about the issue. I had “lurked” on the forum for years, and knew a lot about the community. They were harsh posters, and extremely hyper-sensitive. But, being desperate for an outlet, I decided to post anyway. Knowing my audience, I tailored my first post on the forum carefully, walking on eggshells to not upset anyone. I simply expressed my anger about the condition and the frustration I was feeling. I was looking to connect with others who had experienced what I had been through and who could relate, I was looking for company.
The first few responses were understanding, compassionate, and inquisitive. And then SHE spoke up. “Uh, I’m kind of offended by how you phrased that,” she wrote. She was referring my feelings of anger about the condition. Of course my intentions were not to offend anyone, so I apologized for making her feel that way, but said that everyone has a different coping mechanism and that mine, at that time, was anger. Well, the flood gates opened. How dare I come onto THEIR forum and make such offensive comments! I was mocked for my comment about coping mechanisms, and one user even said, “oh, denial and stupidity must be a coping mechanism too.” I was heated. My pulse was racing. I couldn’t believe what was unfolding! I had been so careful! I explained my feelings and I apologized for unintentional offensives and was kind in my replies even though I didn’t want to be! Here I am, an educator, working on my master’s degree, being mocked and ridiculed by stay at home moms with nothing better to do. It was both addicting and embarrassing; the back and forth dialogue of their accusations and my defenses.
Eventually I logged off of the forum and vowed to never return. But, the interaction stayed in my head for days. How immature I was to care what a bunch of bullies said over the internet! How ridiculous I was to let it bother me!
But it did bother me.
Not because I cared what they thought, but because I had let keystrokes on a screen affect me. I had apologized for my FEELINGS. I can’t control how I feel! I was angered that I spent much of my time working with kids about not being a cyber bully, and had completely neglected to talk about what to do when you’re the victim. How do you let those words on a screen go? How do you remove yourself from an otherwise addicting debate? How do let it NOT affect you?
I was angry at how uneducated the other posters were on kindness and general politeness, even for people in their mid twenties and thirties. Was this a generational gap of people who were never taught about online courtesy?
The whole interaction, though embarrassing, really made me think about how important it is that we teach kids what to do as victims in an online bullying situation. I needed to contact the administrator for the website. The people being so unkind (though they had freedom of speech) needed to be stopped. The culture of the vicious forum needed to be changed to not award posters for their “honesty” (a contest that turned into brutal and unbridled honesty at the expense of others) and to award them instead for their kindness. It was supposed to be a place for people to discuss the issue in peace and comfort, not a place to be ridiculed. If contacting administrators doesn’t work, well, we need to teach kids to CLOSE the browser and walk away. Find another forum that has a nicer culture. Talk to a friend face to face instead!
Online bullying is a big issue that everyone needs to be educated in whether its’ the bully, or the victim, a college student, a grandmother, or a child.
First of all, what an honest post about your reaction. Secondly, good for you for taking the higher ground and remaining as civil as possible. You don't (ever) have any reason to be ashamed for your feelings and unfortunately the world is just full of unhappy people who thrive on dragging others down with them. The most unfortunate thing about it, is that it isn't just a matter of online courtesy, those sorts of people are like that in their day to day life... They just get a little braver online. It's so sad that women who share an experience can be so terrible to each other. Have you looked for more positive outlets for discussing the issue?
ReplyDeleteWow! We are always talking about how to help students in situations such as these, but the reality is adults face them too, probably more often than any of us really want to admit. It's so sad that in a society where we are trying to raise such awareness that it continues to the degree that it does, especially with adults. I think as adults we think we have a tougher skin and can handle the pressure, but I'm not sure if that is the reality. How much can we really handle and keep writing off? You're right - we spend so much time on why it is important to not be the bully and how to recognize bullying, but what about the victims? Sorry isn't enough. Thinking about an activity I did with my kindergarten students this year (Pinterest-inspired of course), I had each student do/say something mean to a paper heart. Each time they poked or grabbed or said "I won't be your friend", we crinkled the heart. At the end we had this really deformed and wrinkly heart. We all tried everything we knew how to do to make the heart feel better - saying "I'm sorry" or "I won't do it again" or giving it a hug, but the marks were still there. Yeah it looked more like a heart as we smoothed it out, but it was different than before. What do we do for the victim? How do we make things better afterwards? My students asked how we could fix it, but I didn't have an answer other than to try not to do the things that hurt it in the first place. But we know that words are said and actions completed in haste, so what do we do when "I'm sorry" isn't enough?
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